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Magazine Hell


Life & Timez ; excerpts from My Newspaper Columns
Welcome New Subscriber!

Thank you thank you thank you for subscribing to our magazine, Modern Lint. Within a couple of weeks, you should be receiving your free gifts, the Encyclopedia World Book Britannica, and a ferret. Remember: these gifts are yours to keep even if you cancel your subscription!
We're thrilled that you've decided to subscribe. Each month you can look forward to articles reporting on the cutting edge of lint. Articles such as 'What Today's New Washer-Dryers Mean for Lint's Future,' "Medicine's Newest Operating Procedure: Removing Lint Caught in Navel Piercings' and 'Where Does All That Lint Go, Anyway?'
Enclosed please find your billing statement. Speaking of which, we'd like to remind you that this is a good time to renew your subscription. It may seem a little early, but this way you'll be assured of never missing a single issue of Modern Lint.
Again, welcome welcome welcome.
Lint-ily Yours,
Lynn T., Lintmeister

Dear Subscriber,
Thank you for your payment. We hope you're enjoying your subscription to Modern Lint.
By now you're aware that Modern Lint is the chief source of news on lint today, with such articles as "Celebrity Lint: What Would You Give for J.Lo's?" "Lint in Ancient Mesopotamia," and "Is There Lint After Death?"
So let us take a moment of your time and ask: Have you thought about renewing your subscription? If you just write a check and pop it in the mail right now, we'll have your check shortly, and put it in our bank account! And we won't have to keep wasting postage and cluttering up your mailbox with witty little rejoinders to re-up. Remember: rates will never be lower than they are today. So why not whip out that ol' checkbook right now and save us all a lot of grief?
Yours in lint,
Lynn T., Head Linter

Dear Subscriber,
Frankly, we're perplexed.
You've been a subscriber to Modern Lint for 2 ½ weeks now, and we still have not received your renewal form, which leaves us wondering:  Is your subscription satisfactory? Do you receive the issues in a timely fashion? Are you enjoying the ferret? Perhaps you think that it's not necessary to renew because you have a "lifetime subscription." But we've checked out your actuarial tables, and frankly, your "lifetime subscription" may expire a lot sooner than you think! Have you thought about cutting back on the pork chops? But seriously, by renewing now, you can insure that your children will receive future issues, even if you're no longer around!
Semper lint!
Lynn T., Editor in Charge of Lint

Dear Subscriber,
As you're aware, publishing a magazine is not cheap, and we offer very low subscription rates as a way to guarantee to advertisers a certain circulation, and, well, we're blowing all your subscription money on these renewal letters! We ask you: is that fair? We think you'll agree that it's not. So won't you take a second right now and send us a check? Huh? Huh? Wont'cha? Huh?
Lynn T - Lint Honcho

Dear Subscriber,
OK. If you don't want to renew your subscription, how about just sending us a check anyway?
Lynn T

Dear Subscriber,
We didn't want to tell you this, but you leave us no choice: you're our only subscriber, and if you don't renew, well, to be honest, it's going to be very difficult to stay in business. On the other hand, if you renew, it will fill our office with hope, knowing that we're retaining our subscriber base, while working towards increasing it in the future. So won't you help us survive? Remember: your subscription is tax-deductible!
Lynn T, Lintress

Dear Subscriber,
We're very sorry that you have chosen to cancel your subscription to Modern Lint. Especially with our new features, "Lint in Cinema," Martha Stewart's 'How To Build a Lint Trellis,' and the 'Miss Lint' centerfold.
But we were completely taken aback by the restraining order. None of us were aware that it was even possible to get a restraining order against sending subscription letters in the mail. Frankly, we all thought your reaction was a little extreme. In light of this hostile response, we'd like to ask you to return the encyclopedia and the ferret. Thank you.
Lynn T
PS: Last chance to subscribe at today's low rates!