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4-WHEEL FACE (humor)


Hey, good news for all you guys with pimples, pock marks, scars, blemishes, blackheads, and other icky complexions. You no longer have bad skin: No. You now have “terrain.”

I know, because I went to the drug store to buy a razor, and there, in a bright red package was “Old Spice High Endurance All-Terrain Shaver.”
My first thought was “Huh. I didn’t know you needed a different razor at different altitudes.” I figured this was a special blade you could use when you’re scaling Mt. Everest, or for all I knew, are scuba-diving underwater. Then I thought that maybe instead this was a specially calibrated razor for the macho multi-tasking hunk who shaves while simultaneously driving his 4 wheel drive all-terrain Hummer off-road through swampland.

But then I picked up the package, and no… it’s just another razor to be used on your dumb-old mug. But Man, is it souped-up! It even says so right on the package – “The most souped up disposable razor – ever!” Each razor has four blades AND four LubeZones. I don’t even know what a LubeZone is, but the package assures me that this is “what you need for maximum shaving horsepower.” Razors now have horse-power! Who knew? This is pretty darned souped-up! In case you miss all the driving analogies, the package assures you the razor delivers a “smooth ride.” Ride? I want to shave, for God’s sake, not go away for the week-end! I imagine the day is fast dawning when I’ll need to get a “shaving license” and even get pulled over by a cop in my bathroom for breaking the shaving speed limit. It’s a good thing most males don’t need to start shaving till they’re about 15 or so. It’d be too dangerous to let a kid get his hands on something like this.

“Terrain.” Doesn’t that sound manly? You, you poor females, have a mere “face,” with “skin.” Me? I have a veritable road map sitting atop my shoulders, replete with mountains (formerly my nose), forests (what used to be my hair), valleys (ex-ears), and who knows what else.

This is the latest up-the-ante entry in the long-festering Razor Wars. A few years ago we were assured of the “ultimate shave” with razors with three blades. But the last couple of years have seen razors with four blades come to market. Then, last September, Gillette introduced the first FIVE blade razor, The Fusion. Can the day be far off when they come out with a razor with a blade for every whisker on our beard?

My God. It seems incredible, but the drug store still sells razors with only one blade. Use these at your own risk. You’ll probably hack off your head trying to shave with one of these prehistoric contraptions.
Razors have been high-tech for awhile now – they carry names like Xtreme and M3Power and Mach3 Turbo and Sensor – but now they’re apparently focusing on the “rugged” market.

You’d almost forge that there were a whole line of shaving creams, lotions, gels and the like to soften your whiskers up before a razor ever got near them.
I don’t know HOW close a shave we need, but there are whole departments of highly talented engineers employed to find out. It turns out that America’s problem isn’t that we lag in science, as we keep hearing in the media – it’s that our best and brightest are employed by Gillette and Schick working on ways to pluck that last .000000001 centimeter of facial hair off your face – I mean “terrain.”

What’s ironic is that what guys really want is a razor that lets them always look like they have a “two-day growth” a la Colin Farrell, no matter how recently they just shaved. That’s what they should be working on. Not a razor that’s almost ready to enter the Indianapolis 500.