<
Stan Sinberg
Stan Sinberg HomeBusiness WritingHumorus WritingRadio & Rants stage & screen writerWriting ClassesSinberg Sez - the Stuff of StanE-mediaContact Stan
   


I usually refrain from writing about things scatological, but I have to make an exception here. Things get gross. I suggest you skip over this section. Seriously.

OK. I knew you wouldn’t. But you were warned.

On the first excursion boat, I take a decent dump. I’ve been “saving” myself because I don’t want to go in my room, partly because it’s unsanitary, and mainly because I don’t want to embarrass myself if I make a mess. I’ve been using these “squat” toilets out of necessity, but I don’t have it “down” yet.

After lunch we go on the second boat, but before we do, I feel another dump coming on. But I hold it in for the above reason. When we get aboard the second boat, I take, no exaggeration, the biggest shit of my entire life, in the smallest stall I have ever been in. The average sized American would have trouble turning around in the stall. And while the last few times, toilet-wise, I’ve been throwing “strikes” if you will, this one is closer to a wild pitch. Massive miss. And the rest isn’t pretty. I’ve removed my shorts because I’m always afraid my shit will hit the fan(ny), and so I’m holding my shorts in one hand, wiping myself with the other, but the stall is so small that the disposal can is outside the stall, in the public are, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. So I’m standing in the stall naked, simultaneously holding my pants and dangling my “refuse” in the same hand and there’s a huge pile of shit that needs to be cleaned up, which I need to do with the remaining small amount of toilet paper I brought in with me, hopefully without smearing any of it on myself. Somehow I manage cleaning it all up without my money spilling from my pockets or dropping my pants into the pile, both of which I was really nervous about, and then I still have to finagle putting my shorts back on, because I can’t go into the public area naked. I do, but it was gross gross gross gross gross. For the next hour I marveled at the size of that dump and how it totally emptied me out – especially coming on top of the other “regular” one.

Such a massive dump prompted the realization that “shit” is your body’s way of telling you that you’re not listening enough. Like your body is yelling at you, “Hey! Don’t feed us this shit. What are you trying to do –kill us? You know the expression “Listen to your body? Well, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!! We don’t want this stuff, and we’re returning it to you in the most grotesque, smelly form that we can think of, so you won’t continue to abuse us. Don’t make us do it again.”
END OF GROSS SECTION >>>>Back to my article