Pope Scalia

“The death penalty? Give me a break. Maglie Los Angeles Lakers It’s easy. nike air max 2016 blauw Abortion? Absolutely easy. asics gel lyte 5 mujer beige Nobody ever thought the Constitution prevented restrictions on abortion. Homosexual sodomy? Come on. For 200 years, it was criminal in every state.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, explaining why being a “textualist” makes short shrift of complex issues, to the American Enterprise Institute.
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Last month, when the Catholic Church shocked the world – but especially the eight other U.S. Houston Rockets Supreme Court justices – by announcing that it had elected Antonin Scalia to be the new pope, the Holy See issued a statement that read, in part, “We chose Judge Scalia to be pope because after over 2000 years of doctrines piled upon doctrines and Vatican Councils impulsively issuing new proclamations every century or so, we wanted to go back to the text. Maglia DeMar DeRozan asics tiger pas cher Nike Air Max 90 Pas Cher To the words of Jesus! As a ‘textualist,’ Justice Scalia believed in interpreting the United States Constitution strictly by what the Founding Fathers said.

If Justice Scalia can set the United States back 240 years, we can only look forward to how far Pope Scalia can set back the Catholic Church.” The spokesman then added, “Plus, he’s Italian!”

Upon being named pope, the former justice was asked why he broke tradition by not naming himself after a previous pontiff. Pope Scalia I shrugged, “I’m an originalist.

There’s never been a Pope Scalia. nike air max 2017 heren grijs asics france Plus, I didn’t want to be bound by what my predecessors had ruled.”

The new pontiff wasted no time putting his indelible imprint on the office with his first official act: ordering the church to stop celebrating Christmas on December 25. Canotte Memphis Grizzlies Cliff Pennington Jersey

“Jesus never said he was born December 25. There are no references to apostles throwing him a party around this time of year, or Mary and Joseph baking him a birthday cake,” Pope Scalia I said, adding, “Doing away with this birthday date, no pun intended, was a piece of cake.”

Pope Scalia’s next act was almost as startling: eliminating the Eucharist. Sebastian Vollmer Nike Air Max Dames fjällräven kånken mini “It’s hardly plausible that while Jesus was alive he would’ve encouraged people to eat him. fjallraven kanken rugzakken Jesus wasn’t a cannibal. Especially of himself!” Plus, the pontiff added, while Jesus was recorded multiplying fish and turning water into wine, “Nowhere is there any evidence that he ever transformed wafers and wine into his body.”

Nor, according to the pope, did Jesus ever mention “original sin.” “Look through the New Testament. Nike Air Max 2016 Norge Nettbutikk It’s not there. adidas gazelle femme haute adidas stan smith mid uomo That entire concept stems from interpretations of the Old Testament that came centuries after Jesus died,” pontiff Scalia noted. zonnebrillen kopen ray ban Maglia Chris Paul New Balance 998 mujer “Ergo, since Jesus didn’t say it, we have dispensed with ‘original sin.’” Added Scalia, “That was a cinch. adidas superstar 360 dziecięce Soldes Chaussures Asics A no-brainer.”

If that wasn’t shocking enough, in a statement that many would have regarded as unimaginable when he served on the High Court, Pope Scalia I lifted the Church’s ban on homosexuality.

“Believe me, I looked very hard,” the pontiff explained. ADIDAS NMD Boutique Nike “But in the Scriptures, Jesus doesn’t say one word condemning it. Greyson Lambert Jerseys Therefore, I have no choice but to conclude that man-on-man action was okay with him.”

It also turns out that Jesus never specifically condemned pedophilia, rape, threesomes, gambling, computer internet scams, intellectual property crimes, or point-shaving. Kyrie 2 Scarpe Air Jordan 12 (XII)

“It’s all good,” Pope Scalia I said, throwing up his hands in a “What can I do?” gesture. Nike Seattle Seahawks jerseys

In his first news conference, Pope Scalia I was asked whether, as a textualist, he had any problems with the Vatican’s vast wealth, considering that Jesus railed against money-changers and preached that it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Heaven. Los Angeles Angels Jersey The pontiff shook his head vigorously, snapping curtly, “The Vatican is not a person, my friend.”

But the pope was caught off-guard when a reporter questioned his very validity, pointing out that Jesus never said anything about bishops, cardinals, a church, or, for that matter, a pope.

Nike Air Max 90 Uomo nike scarpe 2017 By Scalia’s own standards, the reporter argued, he should therefore abdicate his position. Pope Scalia I disagreed, citing Bush V. Gore.